Downs and Ups

The boys are asleep.  They are just as exhausted as both John and I are.  This past week we have shifted between exhaustion and alerted anxiety as Gideon went through yet another "sick spell".  Gideon had an Upper GI study done on Wednesday which left him constipated due to the barium he had to drink for the exam.  He was throwing up and screaming in pain while trying to have a bowel movement.  He was also throwing up his bottles because there was no room left for food.  I brought him into the local ER twice on Saturday (we were discharged at 2:30 in the morning) which hydrated him with an IV and gave him an enema that helped him get rid of some of his stool.  On Sunday, he was still throwing up his bottles so I brought him to the one hospital in the area with a Pediatrics team.  They admitted Gideon after he projectile vomited in the ER room, leaving multiple pools of regurgitated formula on the floor, my lap, my shoes etc.  Poor Gideon had to get an IV in his head because they couldn't find anything suitable on his arms or feet.  Then the IV came out.  They put another one in his head after he was admitted; This one too malfunctioned and had to be abandoned.  He fortunately was able to keep the electrolyte fluid down through the night and did not have any vomiting.  We were discharged this afternoon on a clear fluid diet.  Tomorrow I will try and introduce small regular feeds throughout the day and keep an eye on his temperature.  Please send us your thoughts and prayers that he will climb over this feeding hurdle once again.  

Finding purpose and reason at times like this is so challenging.  It's hard to understand why Gideon has to go through so many struggles.  On top of all his physical ailments, he has to be tormented with difficult IV's, have his hair ripped out/cut out from bad IV tape jobs, be interrupted for vitals just when he has settled and fallen asleep- the poor little guy probably thought he was being tortured.  It was completely heart wrenching for me to watch and even worse when I couldn't console him.  I find myself searching for and calling upon inner strength that I had no idea even existed - and that's probably why I'm so exhausted.

Why is it that I turn inward instead of towards my faith?

I feel burnt out.  I feel lost. I feel like the rug has been pulled from under my feet.

Yet my faith holds fast.  I grasp onto it; some days it grasps onto me.  Somehow it propels me forward.

Tonight I read through a blog from a very dear friend of mine who is going through her own struggles. Her encouragement has really struck a chord with me.  If you are looking for something uplifting and faith renewing, please check out her current project "31 Days of Encouragment" -   Beautiful Susan